An Exercise to Reignite Relationship

In an ORSC Community call, Maddie shared a few quick exercises designed to increase positivity and decrease negativity in romantic relationships – an element which long-time relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman have identified as being at the core of lasting marriages.

According to Gottman, the magic ratio is five positive to every negative interaction.

Good relationship begins with you and extends into your partnership. The exercise below focuses on how to uncover the disappointed dream behind the complaint. You can take responsibility for your own happiness, rather than putting that responsibility on your partner.

An Exercise for Increasing Positivity and Reducing Negativity

Step One – Identify a situation where friction between you and your partner exists. It might be some form of disappointment, even something as simple as how the dishwasher gets loaded.

• What is the complaint?
• What is your disappointment?

Step Two – Sometimes we get so lodged in disappointment that it’s hard to imagine what we actually want or what would be better. Consider the longing behind the complaint.

• How do you wish it was around this topic with your partner?
• What is the value that you wish was being honored?

Step Three – Imagine if it was better, your longing was fulfilled and things were going more smoothly. Begin to dream into that possibility. Imagine the situation unfolding the way that you think it could be. Breathe into that scene for a moment.

• What would it be like?
• What would it feel like?
• Who would you get to be?
• What parts of you would come forward or flourish?

Step Four – Finally, identify one step that you can take toward becoming the person you would get to be in the situation you are imagining.

• Will you take that step?
• By when?

While this exercise is perhaps most powerful when done together with your partner, choosing to bring a different energy has a surprising impact even when you do it on your own.

This exercise draws out positivity by incorporating the concept of Metaskills, another skill embedded in Relationship Systems Intelligence (RSI™). The idea, originated by psychologist Dr. Amy Mindell, holds that our relationships reflect the energy we choose to bring.

“Ownership is power,” Maddie says. “You have control over who you are being and how you are showing up – as friendly or funny or sincere – and it invites your partner to do the same thing.”

Maddie’s exercise come from the Alive in Love workshop, an experience packed with ideas to support a flourishing relationship. Although these tools work particularly well with a romantic partner, they also apply to other kinds of relationship including friendships and work partnerships.

“While we may not have had our families model how to be in a healthy relationship, with knowledge, skill, intention and practice we can help our intimate partnerships to thrive,” Maddie says.

If you’d like to learn more about how ORSC supports romantic relationship as well as teams and organizations, please get in touch.