Every relationship contains an ebb and flow, a tension between who we are together and who we are as individuals. Since our relationship systems evolve right along with us, this merging and separation can be so natural that we may not even notice it. The degree of separation we experience in relationship may fluctuate between too much, too little and just right.
In a Relationship Matters podcast on individuation and merger, Katie Churchman and CRR Global co-founder Faith Fuller speak about why this tension is healthy and even essential. Faith observes that we come together in relationship to generate something, whether an emotion, an idea, a project, a business or a family.
The longer we are together, the more interconnected our relationship system (Third Entity) becomes. Yet without new experiences and information, the relationship can become stagnant.
This is where a principle of Relationship Systems Intelligence (RSI™) shows up.
Systems are constantly changing
Change may be provoked not only by what’s happening within our individual systems of “me,” but in simply living our lives. One partner crosses the edge to something new. It might be a change as small as taking on a hobby, or as large as embarking on a different career.
The status quo is disrupted, and the other partner must react or respond to the change.
Explore your own system
Who are you in change?
- Think about your relationships, particularly the intimate ones. Is there a part of you that tries to maintain the status quo, keeping things stable and familiar?
- Knowing that change is an inevitable part of relationship, how have you dealt with this in your personal relationships?
- Where have you adapted to or resisted change? Why? What’s the impact on the relationship?
- What difference might cultivating more flexibility make? How could being more open to change lead to better communication, deeper understanding, or mutual growth? Brainstorm ways to be more adaptable in the face of challenges and evolving dynamics in the relationships.
We often believe our own way of experiencing things is the right way, and expect it to be the same for our partners. Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching (ORSC™) develops awareness and respect for differences, an ability that is vital to strong relationship.
In addition to navigating the ongoing cycle of change, Faith and Katie note that everyone has personal preferences and comfort levels for the amount of closeness.
In relationship, this can play out in the roles we hold with one partner becoming the pursuer and the other the distancer. Depending on what is happening, partners may switch roles from time to time. If you are badly matched, you may struggle with getting what you need. However, there is value and beauty in both ways of being, in separation and togetherness.
Explore your own system
Setting an emotional boundary
- Think of a conversation you’ve had where emotions were running high. How did you feel? Did you notice when you began to feel emotionally drained or overwhelmed?
- How might taking a break help manage emotional intensity without abandoning the conversation altogether
- In situations where you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, try to identify your limit and sense when you are reaching it. Practice saying something like, “I need a moment. This is a lot for me to take in, and I need a short break to regroup.”
Setting this boundary isn’t about shutting down communication, but allows space to process intense emotions. How might taking this time change the dynamic of your conversations?
The differences we encounter in relationship challenge us while simultaneously encouraging us to grow. This is true within our personal systems, and also at a global level.
It can be surprising to realize that stepping away from the status quo actually serves relationship by influencing and evolving who we are becoming.
Ultimately, the push and pull between individuation and merger is similar to the breath of a relationship. Often unnoticed yet essential, it keeps the connection between us alive and healthy.
Thanks to Faith Fuller and Katie Churchman for the insights in Relationship Matters podcast episode 6.1 which inspired this post. Concepts in this article are explored in depth in the ORSC training series, particularly Intelligence and Geography.
Guests
Katie Churchman ORSCC, ACTC, ESIA, ICF-PCC
Katie Churchman helps leaders, teams and organizations unlock clarity, strengthen relationships and build the capacity to navigate complexity together. She is a CRR Global faculty member and the host of The Relationship Matters Podcast, a globally recognized platform exploring Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching (ORSC™) and the power of conscious, intentional relationships in life and work.
Faith Fuller ORSCC, CPCC, ICF-PCC
Faith co-founded CRR Global and co-created Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching (ORSC™). She is a psychologist and experienced trainer and coach, with decades of experience in working with organizations, couples and communities. Faith is also the author of Relationship Matters: A New Paradigm for an Evolutionary Leap in Relationship.
