The Second “C,” Commonality vs. Polarity, is the second of five posts on The Five C’s of Relationship.
There are two forces operating in relationship, commonality which pulls us together and moves us in the same direction and polarity, the drive to separate, individuate and be different. Both are important to successful relationship.
Commonality is the pool of common values, interests, and identity between two people. As we mentioned above, dating services know that the more things a couple have in common the more likely they are to have a solid friendship base. A solid friendship base is very important to a rich relationship.
Relationship can survive without chemistry, but it cannot survive without friendship. Sooner or later we get out of bed and have to build a life together. The more we have in common the easier it is. Friendship is the glue that keeps us together.
Polarity is the opposing force to commonality. It is that which drives the experience of being separate and different from one another. Polarity provides energy, spark and creative tension. It is at the heart of the old chestnut that opposites attract. Our commonalities make my partner comforting to me, our polarities fascinate, stimulate and aggravate! The friction of our differences creates heat and intensity.
Relationships with high commonality are easier to manage, but can become bland. Below are examples of how two real-life couples can play out on the commonality, polarity axis.
June and Saul
Both June and Saul come from a middle-class background and both are teachers. When they met, they knew they wanted kids and that they wanted to raise them in the Jewish faith. They love going to the movies and are taking a Thai cooking class together. They spend a lot of time comparing notes about their teaching experiences. When they have a conflict they talk it through logically. When asked to describe their relationship they say they are best friends.
June and Saul have a high commonality relationship. They share common backgrounds, religion, interests and even careers. Their strength lies in the broad range of things that they share which can make day to day life satisfying and low stress. Commonality supports union, the sense of “we-ness” in the Third Entity. The challenge for June and Saul is that high commonality can become bland and routine over the years. High commonality couples can tend to “fall into one another,” merging and losing their individuality.
Gita and Mark
This couple met at university. Gita is second generation Pakastani and she is studying Fine Arts. Mark is British and plans to become an electrical engineer. Mark talks about falling for Gita’s exotic beauty, and he is fascinated by her paintings. Her passionate and emotional style both stirs and disturbs him. Gita loves Mark’s openness, gentleness and the respectful way he is genuinely interested in her work. Each feels that they have met their soulmate.
Gita’s parents are very unhappy about her relationship with Mark because his cultural background is so different. The couple know that it’s not going to be easy. They are committed to getting married and working it out with her family over time.
Gita and Mark have a high polarity relationship. They are very different in terms of background, interests and emotional style. High polarity relationships are often high in chemistry and energy. There is a deep fascination with the differences. Such couples often say they feel completed by the other.
At the same time the lack of commonality will be an ongoing challenge. Many things will need to be negotiated and little can be taken for granted. Bridging differences is both stimulating and exhausting. The lack of family support adds an additional strain to the relationship.
Both of the above relationships have a different set of strengths and challenges to negotiate. This is neither bad nor good; it is just the nature of their particular relationships. The commonality /polarity dichotomy fluctuates in a dance of coming together and flowing apart over time, as the Third Entity seeks balance.
Marita and I are mixed in the commonality/polarity index. Our backgrounds are very different, I am American and she is South African. We are bound by our common work and have common values around relationship. In our first 10 years together, we strove for commonality and union. We immersed ourselves in creating the ORSC program together; we created gardens together and travelled together. However, we also have considerable polarity.
In working together we frequently disagree. Since we are both opinionated and stubborn, the creative process involves a certain amount of brawling. Even after many years I can feel a sense of shocked surprise, “You think what?” Marita is bewilderingly, frustratingly different. This often drives me crazy but it also keeps me curious and interested. I can never predict what she is going to say or do. In short the commonality of our relationship creates a profound bond, and the polarity of our relationship keeps that bond lively.
In your own relationship what is your ratio of commonality vs polarity? What is the impact of that on your relationship?
Curious about the next article in this series? Check out The 5 C’s of Relationship: Constructive Conflict.
Author
Faith Fuller ORSCC, CPCC, ICF-PCC
Faith co-founded CRR Global and co-created Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching (ORSC™). She is a psychologist and experienced trainer and coach, with decades of experience in working with organizations, couples and communities. Faith is also the author of Relationship Matters: A New Paradigm for an Evolutionary Leap in Relationship.
