According to Webster, “belonging” means to feel a sense of connection—to a place, a group, a country. At this point in history, it may seem that more divides than unites us.
In 1858, speaking of the growing disconnect which would eventually lead to the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln warned “a house divided cannot stand.” Can we, trained in Relationship Systems Intelligence (RSI™), use these principles, tools and skills to find alignment in our country’s culture?
We all have a vested interest in creating belonging, and moving forward involves cultivating connection in contexts great and small. According to the needs outlined in Maslow’s Hierarchy, belonging is a more basic requirement than prestige or feelings of accomplishment.
Whether your goal is to encourage belonging within a community, to navigate discord in a business environment, or to find points of alignment between differing ideologies, connection begins with a conversation.
"You cannot change any society unless you take responsibility for it, unless you see yourself as belonging to it and responsible for changing it."
Insights from the principles of RSI
Every member of the relationship system is a voice of the system.
At this point in time, differing voices are clamoring to be heard. From an RSI perspective, each voice should be seen not only as a personal expression, but also as a systemic event.
Relationship systems are naturally intelligent, generative and creative.
Relationship systems are naturally intelligent, generative and creative.
As relationship systems workers and change makers, we are called to use the privilege of having skills and tools to navigate the polarities around us, and to find unity in the midst of division. We can use RSI tools to support systemic change and to resolve conflict.
What then is the art of designing our interactions consciously, knowing who we have in front of us and where we are in the flow of our interactions with others? Whether we are engaging in a one-on-one conversation with a neighbor or working with a large group, it is critical to be aware and heed the three iterative phases of all relationship systems:
- Meet
- Reveal
- Align and Act
Phase 1 | Meet
Meeting is one of the most important and often neglected relationship skills for all of us! Think of a group of guests sitting down in a favorite restaurant. (Many of us can still remember that, yes?) You are met and seated by your very attentive waiter, who welcomes you as guests and pours you water while inquiring what you might like to drink.
This is a simple but valuable example of the Meeting phase, which creates a sense of home and belonging. If you feel into the role of waiter, you are becoming consciously aware, and really curious about who is in front of you and what is happening to them in this moment. You might remember their favorite drink, but you are not assuming that this is what they want to enjoy at this time!
Without conscious awareness, we can become caught up in our own assumptions about where we think the others might be in this moment. We must slow down, take time to process and engage, and connect on a personal level with who is here now before us. This helps us to discover where people actually are in the moment, and what has brought them here.
In working with teams and organizations, it is critically important to create a dialogue which invites everyone to co-create the social contract of the culture they desire before they tackle the strategic. We refer to this as a Designed Team Alliance (DTA).
The Designed Team Alliance
Before even starting the Designed Team Alliance (DTA), park the task or project. The agreement being outlined is about how team members will be working together most effectively during this task. It is not about agreeing who will do what by when! Creating a culture of belonging and collaboration is critical to successful outcomes, as is rehearsing both the positive and challenges of being in relationship as they do the work. This social contract is theirs to author.
Three important questions drive this collective dialogue.
- What atmosphere, culture and climate do you want to create amongst yourselves while you are working together? (Examples might include openness, curiosity and fun.)
- Let us also consider that communication might get difficult at some point. This is to be expected as you are creating, innovating and trying to solve challenges. What actions, behaviors or attitudes might be helpful then? (Examples include assuming no malice, pausing, taking a break, or switching roles.)
- What would allow you as a team to excel in working together? (Examples might be “catch me at my best,” ask questions I do not have answers for, and give positive feedback.)
A DTA is a process, not a one-time event. Visit this agreement regularly to renew it or add new pieces. Make it a living working document.
Establish the idea of being co-responsible for holding and executing the vision outlined in this agreement.
During this Meeting phase of the process, expect the following opportunities and challenges.
Opportunities
- Take a collaborative rather than a competitive approach, recognizing different experiences and backgrounds.
Pause to reflect on what is not okay. Honor grief and disappointed high dreams.
Challenges
- If you rush through this phase, your chances of actually connecting will be reduced.
- Take care not to make assumptions about who is in front of you or what their experiences have been.
- Avoid asking questions for which you already have answers.
- Sense when it is time to move on to the next phase.
Phase 2 | Reveal
Opportunities
- Normalize that it is okay not to be okay.
- Encourage different experiences and a climate of cooperation rather than competition.
- Be curious about what is working and what is not.
Challenges
- Reveal rather than expose the system. Proceed at a pace that allows team members to absorb and respond to what is being revealed.
- Value all of the voices, not just the ones with which you can relate or agree. Get curious about those voices that are missing from the conversation.
- Do not stay too long in this phase. Recognize when to proceed toward action, as spending too much time in the Revealing phase can leave you and the group with no energy for the next phase of the process.
Phase 3 | Align & Act
Opportunities
- Create action through collective input, rather than leading with a top-down approach.
- Focus on one or two tasks, and create co-responsibility for outcomes.
- Rehearse the positive outcome you desire. What will indicate success?
- Create an appreciation loop for what has been achieved.
Challenges
- While strategy is important, remember to involve relationship and soul too.
- Do not try to solve too many problems at once.
- Focus on alignment rather than urgency.
If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
In the midst of unrest and uncertainty, fostering a sense of belonging is key to creating sustainable points of alignment. It is one of the biggest residual demands as we move out of an old way of being into the future we hope to create.
By taking the time to engage others in creating a culture where everyone retains a sense of belonging while remaining different and diverse, we can emerge through chaos into transformative, positive change. Given that sustainability is another one of our biggest current challenges globally, fostering belonging is a foundational step in creating the future we envision now.
Learn more about Relationship Systems Intelligence.
Author
Marita Fridjhon ORSCC, ESIA, ICF-PCC
Marita Fridjhon is co-founder of CRR Global, co-creator of the world-recognized Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching (ORSC™) program and mentor to an ever-growing community of relationship systems practitioners. Her deeply integrative approach is drawn from her foundations in clinical social work, family systems therapy and organizational consulting. Marita is co-author of “Systems Inspired Leadership” and “Creating Intelligent Teams.“
